My Best Writing

My best blog posts are those that never happen. In the car, on the way to pick up the kids, at night, when I'm waiting for a child to fall asleep, in the shower. I kill, I tell you, when I'm doing my weekend chicken coop duties. But when I sit down to write, well, that's another story. It's not quite a huge blank page (thanks for the frame, Blogger!), but not far off, some days.

I was not the best journalist (in the journal-diary sense of the word) on paper, unless I was traveling. I have not read my travel journals in quite some time, but somehow, when living over seas, I was bitten by the writing bug, of the religious, every-day entry sort. At home, my inner ADD takes over, and I think I don't focus enough on any single task to be a steady writer. Blogging is different, in a good way, but I still live in fear of the trite ten-year-old in me bursting forth mid-sentence (" ...and then I was really upset, because I didn't feel that was fair at all. I am so alone!!!!). See what I mean?

This weekend, though, I had a pretty decent thought. I will stop listening to the voice I mentioned above, the one that keeps me from living in the absolute joy of a world full of possibilities. It occurred to me that the self-censoring that I think many of us do every day, without perhaps even realizing it, is such a source of negativity and doubt in our lives. And for me, I find it almost criminal that this is self-created. I'm not talking about the healthy, garden variety conscience that perhaps could use more development in many people. Instead, it is that beat-yourself-down voice, the "you can't do that" voice that probably limits a lot of creativity and solutions in this world. Now, if I was concerned about my everyday survival or that of my children, I could see how self-actualization might seem a bit, well, superfluous. Dangerously silly, even. But I don't have that worry (beyond the slightly anxious normal level), and this is a blog, for Pete's sake! It's all about navel-gazing! (Don't worry, no pics anytime soon).

I've been curious about where blogging will take me, and what focus this blog will eventually develop. Looks like a pretty heavy parenting focus so far, and that's probably to be expected, given how I spend my days. But I am finding that other voice coming back, the one that hasn't made it to the "page" quite yet, the one that allowed me to journal my travels in a way I can't with everyday life. The tag line" Mamma should get out more" is from my first iteration of this blog, and now that I am writing more frequently, it is taking on new meaning. Blogging, and viewing others' blogs, *is* getting me out more; out of my head, out of my small(ish) daily life, and out of the everyday routine. I am thoroughly surprised, and delighted.

Project "Don't Totally Lose Your Mind / Happier Family" is going well. We had a very nice weekend, with sun and loads of time outside. We completed at least one significant outdoor landscaping project, and then The Young Man and I went to Agway and spent far to much money on seeds (Hi sweets, now you know). Guess we'll get planting! It was a bit of spring fever and I loved it. Miles and I are definitely the "outdoor project" types, and it is so nice to be able to just get out there and do something constructive together. Sunday night saw a bit more of the regular battles over cleaning his room and who will lie down with him to go to sleep, but we all backed away from the edge of a meltdown pretty well. Little Girl continues to try to walk at every given opportunity, and she was such a ham this weekend with hiding and trying to feed us her previously-gummed rice cake (yum!). We also got a smidge more sleep, which never hurts.

Do you ever feel as if you are on the verge of some great personal evolution? Maybe my thin northern blood is being boiled by all that sun and warmth (well, it was in the 60s, at least), but I feel that percolating around the edges of my brain. It's a very nice feeling, and I think I'll let it be.