First love and second bloom

So what is it that makes the relationship with the firstborn child so fraught with intensity? Since the arrival of Ms. T in May 2008, I've been blindsided by two unexpected developments. The first is the altering my attachment to The Young Man to fit in the necessary care for and love of a newborn. The second, and more pleasant, has been my overwhelming, yet different infatuation with my second-born. She is my daughter, and that relationship means more to me than I expected. But that's for another post. Instead, is is that ever-dizzying relationship with my son that has me mystified.

Mystification and my thoughts about my firstborn are already well-acquainted, and in that I think I'm probably in good company. Does the wonder of the arrival of a baby, your baby, ever really end? It changes, certainly, as it must. But in my relationship with TYM I still find shadows of our first glimpses of one another. Wonderment, joy, peace, and no small amount of "WTF just happened?!" Every step is new with him. He is the eternal work in progress, the one who we get to test-drive all of our pet theories with. He seems to be be surviving this process of trial and error, even thriving. But our relationship mirrors this wandering path, and I don't always chose wisely the first time out. When Ms. T came on the scene, I feel as if I lost the cushion I had before to trace back mis-steps and find a better way forward. There simply is not as much time, or energy, or patience, and sometimes I feel that all of these virtues are needed more particularly when parenting TYM. I am not the calm, experienced ever-ready parent with him, and may never be. It might be the nature of our relationship that we will be forever figuring one another out ... I will always have to test my responsibilities and abilities with him. I hope I do well by him.